Dumbest As Seen On TV Items Ever

Everyone is familiar with the As Seen On TV products that have become cultural Americana at its finest, including the Snuggie, Shake Weight, and even Magic Mesh. But for each home run, there's a horrible strikeout that should've never been created, let alone be advertised on the airwaves. We've seen some weird As Seen On TV products before, but you're going to need a whole lot of OxiClean to purify your memories of these horrible inventions.

What's the number one rule almost every parent has when it comes to kids playing with balls? Not in the house! Well, the good folks at Wham-O, the company we could have sworn was completely made up for The Ren & Stimpy Show, seem to be oblivious to this and have created a ball specifically made for indoor play. And it works on any type of flooring, even carpet, so the whole family will get in on the fun. Mom will have to clean up the dog's food and water that's been blasted all over the kitchen as Dad tries to frantically extinguish the electrical fire from the floor lamp that's been toppled over. Thanks, Wham-O!

Do you have trouble distinguishing whether your toilet seat is up or down? And do you also wish your nighttime trips to the toilet could be accompanied by a ghostly green or red glowing light? Consider this your lucky day, because Bowl Brite has a solution for both problems. Simply install the batteries and LEDs on your toilet lid and start enjoying a Christmas-themed evacuation of your bowels and bladder! Red means the seat's up, green means it's down, and if you actually spent money on this, it means you're a lunatic.

From the maker of Dump Cakes now comes Dump Meals, because if there's one word in the vast expanses of the English language that denotes a delicious delicacy, it's the word 'dump.' Dump Meals sound so appetizing we don't know why more restaurants don't feature them. Well, maybe it's a copyright issue. They might have to come up with a closely related knockoff like Splatter Platters or Painted Bowls. The possibilities are endless, really.

Any professional trainer worth listening to will tell you that the key to achieving fitness goals is a humid crotch. Calories consumed vs. calories burned? Forget all that, because with Sauna Pants, you can just strap what is essentially an electric heating blanket to your groin and just watch the pounds melt away—and possibly your chances of ever having children, but do you even know how hard it is to make it to the gym when you have kids?

If someone told you they were going to wrap a device around your neck and use a pump to slowly increase the pressure and pull your head away from your shoulders, you'd probably wonder why your murderer was being so detailed and upfront about his plans. But you can rest easy if he's strapping the Neck Magic Air Cushion around your throat, because if he stops just short of blocking your airway, you'll experience soothing muscle relaxation and even headache relief!

There's really no secret here. This is spray paint for your bald spots. Nothing more, nothing less. It's an aerosol can full of hair-colored paint, that you use to coat the bare spots of your scalp in between the clumps of your thinning hair. Spray paint is for graffiti and patio furniture, not human heads. Don't use My Secret Hair Enhancer unless you're prepared for everyone to know your secret right away...That you spray paint your bald head.

Like Bowl Brite, Potty Putter attempts to tackle yet another of the many issues that failed inventors feel need to be addressed: spending too much time on the toilet. We always thought number two was a fairly simple transaction, but apparently some people feel that straddling the porcelain throne is just too much wasted time. Now, you can practice your golf putt while you poop, which will hopefully improve your skills. If you need more practice, go ahead and drag a toilet out onto the green. We're sure the country club will have no problem with that.

Okay, someone needs to explain what the deal is with golfers combining their sport and their bodily functions. The UroClub is a hollow golf club that you pee into while a green towel discreetly covers your crotch. It's a classy way to relieve yourself on the course that allows for minimal interruption of gameplay. Besides, how are you supposed to make awkward eye contact with your buddies if you're way off behind a tree or a bush? That just wouldn't do at all. Just a fair warning: this is an easy way to make your golf caddy get P.O.'ed.

Everyone knows how challenging it is to bend down and pick up doggie doo-doo. In an attempt to alleviate this brutal task, here's a complicated harness system you attach to an excited, wiggling dog as he practically drags his owner out the door—all to hang a bag from the dog's butt, which the owner still has to bend down and pick up. So either wait to buy this product until Poo Trap version 2.0 possibly improves the design with a pulley system or, you know, just bend down and pick up your dog's crap.

It always stinks to try to cut into butter and encounter all of the problems that arise. Bent knives, broken fingers, uneven chunks, and divorce are just a few, so thankfully there's a contraption that takes care of all of that. EZ Butter slices your butter into perfect portions every time, and even shoots them out with a fun click—it even works on margarine! It's like a staple gun for the kitchen, only dumber and completely useless in every possible way.

Because dental hygiene should always come with an earworm capable of inspiring suicide, there's now a toothbrush that can play One Direction music with the push of a button. On top of being highly entertaining while removing plaque, this product offers the added bonus of infuriating everyone else whenever you brush your teeth. Just think of the minutes of fun you'll have fighting gingivitis while your wife scowls and silently considers smothering you with a pillow tonight. And the children won't be left out either as they'll undoubtedly be googling how to legally emancipate themselves from you. It's fun for the whole family!

Ab products are the king of infomercial exercise equipment. Which makes sense, because you never feel more motivated to get a shredded six-pack than at 2AM, laying on the couch covered in potato chip flakes—and that's probably also why the Ab Rocket was designed to look exactly like a beach chair. These people look more like they're ready to pass out in the sun reading a novel than crunch their way to a washboard stomach. There's no way this thing actually works, but if it does, whoever designed the chaise lounge that rips your obliques is a genius and should probably get some kind of award.

Have you ever slept next to someone who snored so bad it sounded like a chainsaw being thrown into a woodchipper? And did that ever make you wish you could just strap a tight piece of elastic over their face, making them look like muzzled dog or a high school wrestler? Well, wish no more, because The Be Quiet Anti-Snore Strap is here! Not only does this device supposedly "reduce the snore" (read: it does nothing), but it also "helps you experience increased intimacy" for all those times your partner was going to wake you out of a dead sleep for sex, but decided not to because you were snoring so loud.

Be sure to check out the video for the hilariously unintentional reveal of a byproduct of this torture device: pain. You can clearly see the amateur actors in what is surely their first paid gig struggle to pull this apparatus over their face without painfully grimacing through their weirdly fake smiles. None of them can do it. But there is one use for this product we can think of: if someone broke into your home in the middle of the night to rob you and saw you sleeping with a pair of bike shorts wrapped around your face, they'd probably be incapacitated with uncontrollable laughter long enough for the cops to arrive.

Okay, we have to admit right up front that this apple peeler definitely works. You can see it in action in this QVC demonstration where these ladies are shredding apple skins into ribbons in literally seconds. The question is, who needs this? Outside of an amateur cider brewer or pie maker, who's going through so many apples that they need to remove the skins in record time? There simply doesn't have to be a device for every specific kitchen task, especially ones that can be handled just fine with a knife or hand peeler. It'll just take up precious space in your cabinets, next to the Salad Shooter, EZ Butter, and Bacon Wave that you already don't use.

Celebrity trainer Bobby Waldron, the dude up there in the camo dry-fit shirt and Burger King headset, developed this elastic strap that heats up your abs in order to "supercharge the calorie burning process." The Belly Burner is pretty ingenious, because it claims to work alongside any kind of physical exertion, which is kind of like leaving your hands on the steering wheel in a driverless car then later admiring your mastery of the road. To put it another way, if heating up your abs gets them ripped, then why doesn't everyone step out of a tanning bed looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Here's the best way to make the Belly Burner work: take it out of the box, wrap it around the half gallon of ice cream you were probably eating when you ordered it, and turn it on. Wait five minutes, then pour the contents of the carton down the drain. Congratulations, you're now on your way to losing belly fat.

Tater Mitts are dishwashing gloves that look like they have gravel melted into the palms which supposedly enable you to speedily peel potatoes in seconds. In that sense, they're kind of like the Apple Pro-Peeler, except one of those is a slickly designed piece of engineering and the other is rubber gloves with tiny rocks glued to them. Also, they seek to solve the same kind of problem— skinning large quantities of fruits or vegetables, which is just something we don't feel is an issue for the majority of home consumers. Now, if they were marketing these to a prison or military camp from a 1970s movie, sure, that would make sense.

There's also another pesky little problem: they don't work. Below are two videos demonstrating the capabilities of the Tater Mitts. First is the infomercial where they magically work like a charm; second is a real guy in a kitchen trying and failing to use them, but enjoying himself so much in the process they almost seem worth the purchase.

Here's a situation we can all relate to. It's time to go Number Two, so you head into the bathroom with your phone, ready to dominate Candy Crush. As you ease onto the porcelain throne, you think to yourself, "Man, I wish this thing came with an ottoman." Well, wish no more, because the makers of Squatty Potty have answered with a toilet footstool designed to help with "the new healthy way of eliminating." They claim the product is doctor-recommended, and guarantee it'll give you "the best poop of your life." Clearly, the makers of Squatty Potty knew they couldn't sell this thing in a straightforward manner, so they made a commercial with an ice cream-pooping unicorn that's literally a three-minute marathon of poop jokes. It's hilarious and worth a watch and almost makes us feel like it actually isn't ridiculous to have our chin resting on our knees while we poop. Almost.

Since we're already in the bathroom, why not another contraption designed for your "evacuation" needs? This time, it's the Lady Elegance P EZ Travel Urinal For Women, which if we're being honest looks like they took the funnel you use to fill up your lawn mower's gas tank and painted it pink. According to their product description, this device "allows women of all ages to urinate in a standing up, sitting down or lying position without undressing."

This is fantastic for women who find themselves in the awkward position of having to publicly urinate. Instead of squatting behind a car or a bush where no one can see them, they can now simply place the P EZ Travel Urinal into their pants, pull the spout out of their zipper, and just let it flow without even leaving the group. So much less embarrassing, right? And when they're done, they can simply tuck the urine-covered funnel back into a pocket or a purse, because remember how there's no bathroom around to clean it off? This just got really gross really fast.

You can easily damage your ears by using a Q-tip wrong, so why not try this $6 vacuum that's made in China instead? Not surprisingly, over 50% of the Amazon ratings on this thing give it one star and range from "it's garbage" to "total junk." In their infomercial, they allege that the WaxVac can "gently draw dirt particles and moisture out of your ear," and they even feature a "doctor" to bolster their claims. So how does he describe the awesome benefits of the WaxVac? "Don't use a cotton swab in your ear, because it can cause significant damage," he says. That's it. He doesn't even mention the product he's in a commercial for, probably because medical malpractice lawsuits are expensive. Seriously, if you're going to buy what is essentially a medical device, should it be something that's sold alongside the Snuggie and the Bedazzler?

The Neckline Slimmer is another miracle exercise device that has to be seen in action to be believed. First of all, every woman in these before-and-after shots is just tucking her chin in the before shot and pushing it out for the after. Second, it's a system of resistance coils that you wedge between your chin and upper chest which claims to "smooth and firm your neck, chin, and cheeks" in "just two minutes a day." Simply nod your head up and down and watch your double chin shrink away!

And there's a bonus, too. With the purchase of your Neckline Slimmer, you also get a "specially formulated European skin creme" that supposedly "accelerates the results" of the device. And how exactly is that supposed to work? Does the skin creme seep below multiple layers of skin and actually attack fat cells? Because that seems unlikely at best and medically dangerous at worst. This product originally cost $19.99 and is now being sold for the bargain price of $4.99. If nothing else about it seemed shady, there's your red flag.

Developed using the same military technology that combats chemical warfare, the Better Marriage Blanket is a comforter that claims it eliminates the odor of flatulence. In between layers of cotton, there's activated carbon fabric that absorbs the each nighttime toot and then, we suppose, holds it there ostensibly forever. So sure, you won't smell it, but you'll be snuggled up in a fart sponge until you wash it, which is way grosser than enduring a dutch oven for a few seconds. Also, the product name sort of implies that marriages have been ruined over late-night air biscuits, which means somewhere out there is legal paperwork that cites "his awful butt trumpet" as grounds for divorce. We're going to need a copy of that in our hands before we even contemplate turning our bed into a literal fart box.

Just like My Secret Hair Enhancer, there's very little mystery to the magic of Skinnies InstantLifts: it's scotch tape. This product only exists because people have either somehow forgotten they have a roll stashed away with the Christmas wrapping paper, or they truly believe the marketing that this clear, sticky roll of plastic is specially formulated to yank your arm flab back and up. It isn't, but it will make you look like a lunatic to anyone who happens to notice the pinched-up skin on the back of your arms under what looks like the protective wrap for a new tattoo. In fact, if you're crazy enough to tape up your loose arm skin and someone does ask you about your fresh ink, just go with it. Tell them it's a portrait of your Shar Pei who you'd marry if it was legal. Trust us, the questions will end there.

Here's another product there's just no sugarcoating—these are butt pillows. Sure, they're small, round pillows sewed into panties, but they're butt pillows nonetheless. If you were on a plane and you forgot your travel pillow, but you had a pair of these in your carry-on bag, you'd be golden. It's obvious that they achieve the desired effect, although we do feel like it's probably pretty alarming to someone who knows you well to see you sporting your bogus buttocks for the first time. It's going to be awkward when they go racing for an Epi-pen thinking you're deathly allergic and have fallen backwards into a beehive, and you have to tell them, "No, I'm okay! I just stuffed my pants because I wanted to look sexy!" And let's also be honest about one other thing while we're at it: the Kardashians are to blame for this, right? As if they haven't done enough already, now they've started a counterfeit keister craze.

Seriously, who needs this? Even the infomercial can only come up with two reasons for the existence of this product, and they're both ridiculous. One, they show kids uncontrollably squirting toothpaste all over the bathroom like it's a can of silly string. If your children are so dumb they can't figure out how to squeeze a tube of toothpaste, or you don't have the millisecond in your day to do it for them, then you've got much bigger problems than portion control. Two, they claim that "squeezing the last drop of toothpaste is a struggle." It's really not that hard, and you know what else you can do with the toothpaste when it's that low? Throw it in the garbage. A tube costs like $3—so if saving money is your reason for buying this $10 contraption, you got hosed. That last squeeze of toothpaste can't cost more than a few pennies, so at that price, it would take approximately 10,000 saved last squeezes to recoup your expense.

Where do we even begin? Somehow, these things have stood the test of time. Originally marketed as the Chia Pet, these terra cotta abominations were possibly the very first ironic gift. Hipsters everywhere had them perched next to their vinyl record collections. Kindly grandmothers lovingly tended and watered the Chia they got for Christmas, seemingly oblivious to the rueful snickers of the grandkids as she unwrapped the moronic statuette. There have been innumerable versions since then and now, of course, there's a Donald Trump Chia.

\We don't know why they attempted this, because no earthly seed could grow into a plant that will look remotely close to the man's alien locks. His unholy tuft of spun gold somehow moves in every direction at once. It's like one of those 3D paintings where if you stare at it long enough something emerges, only in this case it's the cold realization that the President of the United States used to host a reality TV show. Why did you have to remind us, Chia? Why?