Madame Web's 5 Worst Moments

Contains spoilers for "Madame Web"

The word is out on "Madame Web," and folks, things aren't looking good for the latest chapter in the Sony Spider-Man universe. The new comic book movie that sees Dakota Johnson gain the gift of foresight and be forced to babysit three heroes-to-be has been decimated by critics, swinging in with a 15% Rotten Tomatoes score at the time of writing and ensuring that we never see any of these characters again besides the baby that'll grow up to become Peter Parker. Don't look at that as a spoiler. If anything, we're saving you the time and hassle to do something better this weekend, like watch anything else.

But just what makes this such a chore of a watch? How can a film with a cast this tolerable be this shockingly bad? Is it C-level comic book characters forgetting how to be human in a scene? Is it the mishmash of slasher-lite story beats being pushed together into a film that only just about resembles a Spider-Man story? Honestly, it's all that and more, but here are easily some of the most painful moments of "Madame Web" that, if anything, prove this is what we get for whoever decided that "Morbin' time" was worth joking about. 

A good villain is often on another level of thinking than the hero trying to take them down. They speak cryptically and are playing a game of mental chess when everyone else is still playing checkers. That could've very well been the case for Tahar Rahim as Ezekiel, who is set on averting his own death. It's an understandable obsession, but one that is dropped on the audience in one of the most stilted and borderline hilarious info dumps ever put to film, made even worse given the character is barely seen saying the words at the time.

Ezekiel wakes from a nightmare about three mysterious girls pushing him out a window. When the woman he's bedded asks what woke him up, he casually reveals it was three women who had a part in his death, which his one-night stand is totally unfazed by. What makes this conversation even more of a chore to process is half of it unfolds with Rahim's lips barely moving, setting a standard for this villain's automated dialogue replacement (ADR) that continues throughout the film. 

This isn't due to him being a lousy actor, by the way. Rahim is a two-time BAFTA nominee with great performances under his belt (see "A Prophet" for proof). Instead, he's just another poorly used star who might as well be in a dubbed foreign movie and one of many parts that are totally out of sync in "Madame Web."

Okay, we know. Even though "Madame Web's" viral quote isn't in the movie, we know that Cassie's mom was in the Amazon researching spiders right before she died. However, a group of people who aren't up to date on our hero's past and have absolutely no need to be are the guests at the Mary Parker (Emma Roberts) baby shower. During a harmless bit of fun, this information is forced upon the group when Cassie is asked to write down something about her mother, and rather than quietly bow out, she submits an empty note, forcing the topic to be brought to light and transforming a woefully handled scene into something closer to a sketch from "Saturday Night Live."

If it aimed to hit a comedic note, the scene fails miserably, only making Cassie more of an unlikeable character than she already is. Family loss is pretty standard fare with superheroes, particularly those with spider-like capabilities, but not even Peter Parker drops the bombshell about his uncle dying during random encounters. It serves no purpose and evokes a level of awkwardness not felt since Dakota Johnson corrected Ellen about a party invite. 

You've just narrowly escaped a murderous stranger who can stick to walls and saved the three girls he was after. Do you take the sensible approach and stay together and ride it out? Possibly. But surely, the last thing you'd do is abandon these three teenagers who don't know each other or what's happening alone in an unmarked wooded location, right? Right? 

Understandably, creative choices need to be made for a story to get nudged along, but a decision like this truly feels like a move on a moronic level. It doesn't just feel like a dumb move on Cassie's part, but it goes against everything her character is about. As socially awkward and distant as she might be, Webb is still a trained EMT whose daily duties are to ensure people's safety and that they're in the best state possible. With that in mind, why in the hell would she abandon these naive teenagers who, without her involvement, would've been killed by a man still out looking for them? Wouldn't the safer bet be to hide out at home (a building one of the girls has been living in that Ezekiel still hasn't discovered) and wait for the coast to be clear? With planning like that, she might as well fly to the Peruvian Amazon and really put them in dang— oh good grief, no.

If a hero needs some time away to reflect and find themselves, chances are it will be in the origin story's first act. However, that's usually before the big threat presents itself, and the protagonists have the skill sets to defend themselves and save the day. Instead, Cassie takes a trip out of town before the third act via a means so problematic it's enough to make your brain scramble. Already on the run for suspected kidnapping and going as far as being a top story in the Daily Bugle newspaper, Cassie somehow makes it out of the country for not just a few days but an entire week to retrace the steps of her dead mother and learn more about her powers. 

Is the trio of teenage girls safe? Well, of course, because dear old Ben Parker (Adam Scott) does Cassie a solid and lets the girls stay with him, no questions asked. Did it have to go this way? For a film that feels like a knock-off "Terminator" movie, wouldn't it have been a smarter move for José María Yazpik's Spider-tribe member, Santiago, to head to America instead? He could've been a wall-crawling Kyle Reese type, not only tracking down the outsider who took his powers but also helping Cassie and the girls under her watch. Instead, he dips in and out and leaves Cassie to rush back home before another inept adult makes more terrible decisions. 

To loosely quote Michael Keaton's Vulture at the end of "Morbius," we're not sure how we got here, but we think it's something to do with Spider-Man. That seems to be the constant mission for these stale spin-off movies, and "Madame Web" might be the franchise's biggest offender for clinging to the costume threads of the wall-crawling legend. While Tom Holland's hero or any other iteration makes no appearance (the film allegedly removed a big Andrew Garfield Spider-Man connection), the film makes repeated winks to the audience to remind us of the world we're supposed to be in, shoehorning in pivotal moments and lines from Spidey history only to feel like nails on a chalkboard when they appear. 

One of the most sinful efforts involves the classic line, "With great power comes great responsibility." If you thought Martin Sheen's word jumble from "The Amazing Spider-Man" was terrible, it's almost poetry next to Cassie being advised that "When you take on the responsibility, great power will come," or when Mattie says that Ben Parker is having "all the fun and none of the responsibility" as an uncle. As far as Spidey references go in this hellish universe, "Madame Web" really takes the top spot, but don't be surprised if in "Kraven the Hunter," someone says he "can crawl around like a spider, man." Please, Sony, don't get any ideas.