The Dumbest Things From The Star Wars Expanded Universe

The old Star Wars expanded universe is dead, callously renamed the "Legends" universe, replaced with a new continuity that will march in lockstep with the film franchise. Long live the expanded universe! But before we get too nostalgic for the old EU, let's remember that while it had its standout stories (the Thrawn trilogy) it also had a lot of stuff that was just dumb (almost everything else). As Lucasfilm shovels dirt on over the old expanded universe's grave, let's look back on some of its worst, most embarrassing moments.

The Star Wars comic book universe needed its own original star to be one of the shiny new faces of the Expanded Universe. Instead, it got stuck with Jaxxon, a man-sized green rabbit who was a sarcastic but charming smuggler, created in homage to Bugs Bunny. He was Han Solo crossed with the Trix rabbit, and ultimately nothing more than an excuse for a series of terrible rabbit puns set in space. His ship was called the Lucky Rabbit's Foot. He was part of a group of misfit heroes put together by Han Solo called the Star-Hoppers. It's rumored that George Lucas hated Jaxxon so much, he personally requested that Marvel stop writing him into the comics. Again, just a rumor, but imagine it: the guy who thought the goofiness of Jar Jar Binks was just fine for the movies didn't think a green space bunny was good enough for the comics.

The EU needed stories and it needed villains, and you can't write a good story if your villains are all dead. So writers of the old EU went to the classic well for Star Wars ideas: clones. Need a long-dead bad guy alive even though he died in the movies? Clone him! That's what they did for Emperor Palpatine, who died in Return of the Jedi but secretly had the forethought to create clones of himself that come preloaded with his own memories. Fan favorite EU villain Grand Admiral Thrawn went a little clone crazy, too, having cloned Boba Fett and Luke Skywalker. The clone names? Booba Fett and Luuke Skywalker. The EU was never a great source of originality.

Did you know that the forest moon of Endor had a mountain that was alive—and had a face with a mouth, a nose, and a set of eyes, all of which it would use to cry and cry like a gigantic baby? Oh, and that its tears could heal the sick and wounded? That's more than the ravings of a lunatic, that's Star Wars. Mount Sorrow was a prominent character in a spinoff comic titled Ewoks 7: The Perilous Laughing Spell, the seventh in the 14-issue series published by Marvel Comics between 1985 and 1987. The emotional mountain only appeared in one issue, but it made a lasting impression—the kind you get when you fall flat on your face after you trip over your terrible ideas for Star Wars stories.

The Sun Crusher was a giant golden ice cream cone in space. In nearly every way possible, it was like a parody of the Death Star. It could take out entire solar systems in one shot. It was indestructible, comically so. It once took a direct hit from a Death Star prototype. It was the most powerful superweapon in the galaxy and even the Emperor didn't know about it. But maybe the dumbest thing about the Sun Crusher was its size. It was infinitely more powerful than the Death Star, and it was only a tiny bit bigger than the average star fighter. This is the kind of sad, overpowered vehicle children created out of an old traffic cone when their parents couldn't afford Star Wars toys.

In his scripts for Star Wars: Jedi Council, a comic prelude to the Star Wars prequels, writer Randy Stradley penned his dialogue with the Jedi referred to by their first names: Mace, Anakin, Obi-Wan, and so forth. Once his editor, Sue Rostini, got her hands on the scripts, she'd add title Jedi title "Master" to the names. Stadley hated that, so he devised a little prank. He created a Jedi named Soon Baytes, hoping Rostini would run through her routine of adding in "master" and would pick up on the joke, then they'd all have a nice long laugh about it over cocktails. Unfortunately, Rostini didn't edit that particular issue, and a month later, the issue hit the shelves, leaving a dumb little joke that was supposed to be caught by an editor out there for everyone to read. Not much is known of Jedi Master Baytes, save for his legendary skills with his saber.

Darth Maul died in The Phantom Menace...OR DID HE? That's the question the keepers of the Star Wars continuity would like you to ask, no matter how dumb it is. According to lore shared by both the old Expanded Universe and the new official post-Force Awakens canon, Maul Force-pulled himself into a dumpster after he was sliced in half by Obi-Wan at the end of Phantom Menace and was somehow given shiny new robotic spider legs. He also lost his memory, but thanks to his brother (oh, and he has a brother) he was able to regain them all.

The zombie craze of the aughts left no franchise untouched by its rotten, stinking hands. Yes, even Star Wars had some zombies in it. In 2009, horror author Joe Schreiber published two novels set in the Star Wars universe. The first was Death Troopers, which told the tale of a prison ship filled with killers and madmen that breaks down in space, leaving its crew to scavenge for parts on a derelict Star Destroyer, unaware of their exposure to a zombie virus that infects everyone aboard the ship. It's as paint-by-numbers as a zombie story can be, with some guest appearances by Han and Chewie to remind everyone that this is a Star Wars story and not the script for George Romero's 900th zombie flick.

Issue #48 on Marvel's original run of its Star Wars comic, titled "The Third Law," is truly something special, because it features one of the silliest stories in franchise history. Strap in, here it goes: the Rebellion needs money. So Leia goes to the bank to get a loan. So Darth Vader tries to thwart Leia's attempts to secure a loan. By the way, you know how all Star Wars planets all have one ecosystem? Endor is all forests and Hoth is all snow and Tatooine is all desert? This planet is all banks. 100 percent of it is made up of banks. Banks are not an ecosystem, and that alone is the dumbest idea someone tried to pass off as official canon, but it continues. Vader kills the finance minister of the planet...who turned out to be a robot. Not that it matters, because Vader doesn't even care about preventing the acquisition of a loan, because he wants to steal the planet's crown jewels becau—you know what? Never mind. Just...never mind.

The Yuuzhan Vong were a gross-looking race of genocidal madmen hell-bent on destroying the galaxy—and they almost did it, too. By the time they were defeated, they had killed 365 trillion beings across the galaxy. Sounds scary, right? How can that possibly be dumb? Here's how: the Yuuzhan Vong existed "outside of the Force," meaning the one mystical energy that binds all life (and movies, and TV shows, and comic books, and novels) means nothing against them because, somehow, they're immune to it all. Why? Because the Force kicked them out. Literally. They're so evil the Force wants nothing to do with them. They're even immune to lightsabers. Their main weapon is a staff that's actually some kind of space snake that, when ridged, can repel lightsabers instead of being effortlessly sliced in half like a room-temperature stick of butter. They are an alien threat created specifically to break all the rules of the Star Wars universe. But you want to know what truly makes them dumb? They were responsible for...

The Yuuzhan Vong started small before they launched their full-scale takeover of the galaxy. And by small, we mean they crashed a moon into a planet, taking countless lives—including Chewie's. While helping Han Solo's son, Anakin Solo, make it to the Millennium Falcon seconds before the planet's destruction, Chewbacca was blown away by a strong wind and left behind. Knowing his fate, Chewie growled at the moon as only a Wookiee can before being flattened by an enormous space rock.

In the EU novel Children of the Jedi, Luke Skywalker falls in love with a sentient spaceship—one that was a Jedi during the Clone Wars. Yeah, it's stupid, and the explanation behind it isn't much better. The ship holds the spirit of a Jedi named Callista, who—just before she died trying to destroy the Eye of Palpatine, an enormous dreadnaught-class vessel disguised as an asteroid—transferred all of her life energy into the vehicle. Later, after Luke is arrested and taken prisoner aboard the Eye, Callista communicates with him through monitors. She falls in love with him, and he with her. Alas, the ship must be destroyed for the safety of the galaxy. But wait! Luke's student misses her dead lover so much that she'd sacrifice her own body, allowing Callista to regain a physical form. Good thing, too. There aren't too many restaurants one can take a deadly spaceship on a date.