The Shia LaBeouf Monster In Dungeons & Dragons You Never Knew Existed

The current 5th Edition of the classic tabletop role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons already features a vast selection of dangerous enemies in its official Monster Manual and other sourcebooks, but part of the appeal of the game is that Dungeon Masters can create and share their own homemade monsters to challenge their players in new ways and create wholly original stories.

For example, if you're tired of the old standbys like goblins, drow, and beholders, the perfect threat for your next D&D session might be Actual Cannibal Shia LaBeouf. With his axe, knife, and ability to regenerate, Hollywood superstar Shia LaBeouf can make a truly terrifying monster, especially when he's pursuing his prey in the dark woods at night. Posted to the D&D Reddit board by user u/TheRainyDaze, this 5E monster stat block gives any Dungeon Master everything they need to bring the former Transformers star to life in their next tabletop campaign.

But wait, why is Shia LaBeouf a cannibal? He's faced some controversy over the years, but that had more to do with possible plagiarism than killing and eating people, or chasing anyone through the woods for that matter. How did he end up a D&D monster?

Back in 2014, when the plagiarism controversy was relatively fresh and LaBeouf's career seemed to be in question, musician Rob Cantor released a video of a live performance simply called "Shia LaBeouf" — featuring the Gay Men's Chorus of Los Angeles, the West L.A. Children's Choir, the Argus Quartet, and a quartet of shirtless male dancers in oversized Shia LaBeouf masks. In second person, Cantor narrates the harrowing tale of an encounter with "actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf." At the end of the video, the camera rotates to reveal that there's only one person in the audience: the real Shia LaBeouf himself, who applauds dramatically. (You may even recognize the moment from countless GIFs and memes featuring the applauding LaBeouf.)

All of LaBeouf's abilities and attacks in the D&D stat block are direct references to lines from the song, like "Shia Surprise" and "Brandishing a Knife." To be clear, it's a real monster stat block that would work in the game, but it's also a clever joke about the Rob Cantor song.

In the years since Cantor declared him an Actual Cannibal, Shia LaBeouf's career and reputation have recovered considerably. He appeared in two films in 2019: The Peanut Butter Falcon, one of the most underappreciated movies of that year, and Honey Boy, which he also wrote. Both were highly acclaimed and got people talking about LaBeouf as an artist and creative force, not just a weirdo. In particular, Honey Boy, which tells the story of Shia's troubled upbringing, makes it much easier to be sympathetic to LaBeouf despite his history of questionable behavior.

At the same time, Rob Cantor's outlandish song has maintained its own popularity on the internet. Whether you like the real Shia LaBeouf or not, the cannibal version is a delightfully weird invocation of horror tropes, and the end of the video makes it clear that LaBeouf himself is in on the joke. Surely he'd be even more delighted to know he's been made into a D&D monster, just as your players will be delighted when they realize just who they're running from.