Every Drax Joke In The MCU Ranked Worst To Best

Everyone loves the Guardians of the Galaxy! Okay, so not literally "everyone" — especially in their own universe. Pretty close to that, though! Moreover, they're a crucial part of the MCU. You might even say that the Guardians – a cosmos-hopping, ragtag team of unlikely heroes — put the "universe" in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, which otherwise tends to take place on a single planet. 

Throughout the pair of Guardians films written and directed by James Gunn, plus "Avengers: Infinity War" (2018) and "Avengers: Endgame" (2019), none of the Guardians are more muscular, shirtless, or incapable of comprehending metaphors than Drax (Dave Bautista). Some folks call him "Drax The Destroyer," but he destroys stuff whether or not you come flat-out and say so. Indeed, what they should call him instead is "Drax the Destroyer and Laughter-Maker," due to his propensity for humorous observations and interactions. 

What are Drax's funniest MCU moments? Let's rank 'em up and see.

Shortly before the ultimate showdown against Ronan the Accuser in "Guardians of the Galaxy" (2014), Drax voices appreciation for his then-unnamed squad of noble intergalactic adventurers. "It is pleasing to once again have friends," says Drax. "You, [Peter] Quill, are my friend. This dumb tree, he is my friend. And this green wh**e, she too — "Swiftly, Gamora shushes Drax before he can say more.

Tossing around a sexist pejorative like this is in questionable taste. Furthermore, since Kylosians like Drax interpret language completely literally, why would he call Gamora by this slur when she obviously isn't a sex worker?

In 2014's "Guardians," Yondu's Ravagers capture Peter and Gamora. The prisoners negotiate their own release, just in time for Rocket Raccoon, Drax, and Groot to zoom into the scene and threaten to zap the ship to pieces unless the Ravagers surrender their associates. 

Later, Star-Lord and Rocket debate whether the incident counts as a successful rescue mission. Drax pushes back against Star-Lord's possible overconfidence, while Gamora pushes back against Drax's pushback. 

"I just saved Quill!" exclaims Drax, defending himself against Gamora's annoyance.  

"We already established that you destroying the ship that I'm on is not saving me," says Star-Lord. 

"When did we establish this?"

"Like three seconds ago!" 

"I wasn't listening," says Drax. "I was thinking of something else."

It's kind of a funny exchange, but only kind of.

There are something like two dozen superheroes in "Infinity War," and they all get jumbled together to the shock, delight, and occasionally horror of the audience. For instance, when three Guardians — Star-Lord, Mantis, and Drax — encounter three Avengers — Iron Man, Spider-Man, and Doctor Strange — both parties assume the other works for Thanos. 

Before long, a stand-off unfolds. Star-Lord asks, "Where is Gamora?" Thanos has, of course, recently taken Gamora prisoner. Iron Man, who has never met Gamora, asks, "I'll do you one better: Who is Gamora?" Drax plays along, asking, "Why is Gamora?!" 

Leave it to Drax to lighten the mood, even while Iron Man points a laser canon at his brain. 

Before Drax befriends the other four Guardians in their first movie, he knows them only as his fellow inmates in space prison. Presuming that she is an agent of his mortal nemesis, Ronan the Accuser, Drax decides to stab Gamora. To prevent this, Star-Lord reminds Drax that when Ronan comes to collect his flunky, Drax can use that opportunity to murder the bejesus out of Ronan. Star-Lord emphasizes this by running a finger across his throat — a universal sign of execution. 

Drax has no idea what Star-Lord's finger gesture is supposed to mean, because, as is soon revealed, Drax cannot comprehend any non-literal forms of communication. His confusion is worth a chuckle.

While enjoying a campfire meal early on in "Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2" (2017), Drax learns that although Yondu raised Star-Lord, the two starship captains are not blood relatives. This revelation confuses Drax mightily. From his vantage point, Star-Lord and Yondu are virtually identical.  

It appears Drax cannot distinguish the pinkish-beige skin color characteristic of white Earth humans from the dark blue typical of Centauri skin. Does Drax get other colors mixed up? What would happen if Drax tried to paint a house orange, came across an Earth traffic light, or had to tell the difference between white and brown rice? Maybe it's better not to ask ...

All the Guardians evolve as the MCU unfolds. Drax only has dialogue in three movies, but he certainly grows more affable and insane over the course of them. When we meet Drax in the first Guardians movie, much is made of his inability to grasp metaphors. Rocket explains to the group that allusions will "go over [Drax's] head." Drax proves Rocket's point by declaring that, thanks to his advanced reflexes and agility, he catches everything before it flies over his head.

Drax continues to struggle with nuance throughout the MCU. But thankfully, as time has gone on, the writers haven't relied on metaphor-related gags quite so much.

The action in "Guardians Vol. 2" gets rolling once the Sovereign notice Rocket stole a sack full of their precious, ultra-special batteries. Drax is the only other Guardian aware the theft has occurred. Soon enough, a fleet of Sovereign attack ships start chasing the Milano, and the other Guardians voice their confusion regarding the unexpected assault. Drax explains that this is happening "probably because Rocket stole their batteries."  

Rocket admonishes him, and Drax walks back the completely accurate observation. Not long after all this, Drax puts on a space suit to manually blast Sovereign attack ships in a display of wild awesomeness.

After Ronan is defeated and the planet Xandar is provisionally saved at the conclusion of the first "Guardians" movie, Corpsman Rhomann Dey (John C. Reilly) informs the gang that their criminal records have been erased, with the caveat that they should avoid committing any additional crimes. Drax inquires what would happen if "someone does something irksome, and [he decides] to remove his spine." Corpsman Dey responds, "That's actually murder ... one of the worst crimes of all. So ... also illegal."

This comes immediately after Dey has to tell Rocket that even if you want an item more than the person who has it, stealing remains illegal. It seems there are good reasons why the Guardians become intergalactic adventurers instead of lawyers.

Learning how to use the incredible and deeply deadly weapon bequeathed to you by your space pirate captain requires a long period of trial and error. So maybe we shouldn't be so hard on Kraglin (Sean Gunn) for not mastering the intricacies of the Yaka Arrow instantaneously? Drax, however, would be justified in being pretty hard on him, since Kraglin accidentally whistles his arrow into Drax's neck from the next room over in a "Guardians Vol. 2." mid-credits scene. 

We don't see the aftermath of that situation, as Kraglin does not appear in "Avengers: Infinity War," and might not even be in the background of "Avengers: Endgame." We can venture some pretty disturbing guesses, though.

Sooner or later in every person's life — especially if that person travels through space and time — they must look deep into their souls and resolve the terrifying ambiguities at the foundation of their existence. These ambiguities can take the form of questions, like, "How is there such a thing as a sentient cape?," "Why is a sentient cape attacking me?," and, "What should I yell, now that the sentient cape is attacking me?"

For Drax, the answer to the last question is simple: "Die, blanket of death!" The answers to the other two questions are "Magic!," and, "Because Doctor Strange incorrectly assumes you work for Thanos."

In "Guardians Vol. 2," Mantis approaches Drax while he's sleeping to tell him about Ego's evil plan. Drax mistakes this as a gesture of sexual interest. After briefly picturing himself in a state of physical intimacy with Mantis (Pom Klementieff), Drax loudly suppresses his vomit reflex. 

We think it's safe to say that Mantis, even with her antennae and conspicuously large eyes, would be considered more than conventionally attractive by many people's standards. Hence, there are ironic implications to Drax's disgust. Also, Drax is embarrassing himself by assuming his own physical appeal is closer to universal than is the case. Lastly, Drax — an epic jerk throughout this exchange — gets cranky when Mantis explains she's not even attracted to his species, thereby tossing another shovel full of irony onto the pile.

To give credit where it's due, Drax doesn't reach the heights of his humorous abilities until he meets Mantis in "Guardians Vol. 2." A handful of these "Drax jokes" are technically more like "Drax and Mantis jokes." 

One particularly memorable one occurs around the campfire. In reference to Rocket, Mantis asks, "Can I pet your puppy?" Drax consents, Mantis reaches out ... and pulls back just in time to avoid Rocket's attempt to bite her fingers off. 

Drax chuckles with merriment at Mantis' shock and terror. Mantis — who gets confused by social and emotional nuances, not unlike Drax himself — also laughs at her own misfortune. At this point, Drax claims to have invented practical jokes, which is an absurd lie.

Tony Stark, a.k.a. Iron Man, is a genius. If Iron Man found himself in a confrontation with a vaguely Lovecraftian creature known as the Abilisk, as happens at the beginning of "Guardians Vol. 2," he'd probably put together a slick set of steps to quickly and efficiently dispatch the monster. 

Drax, on the other hand, decides to allow the Abilisk to eat him so he can stab the Abilisk to death from the inside of its digestive organs. This happens because Drax is not a genius. Drax's plan fails miserably, but after Gamora cuts the creature in half, he nevertheless credits himself with the W. 

Drax occasionally fumbles when it comes to social norms, but now and again, his quirks allow him to say what his colleagues — and maybe even those of us in the audience — totally believe, but are too polite or bashful to say out loud. 

After the Guardians find Thor floating in space in "Avengers: Infinity War," Drax takes a look at the unconscious Asgardian, and describes him as looking like "a pirate had a baby with an angel." While some of us lack the courage to agree with this out loud, we all know Drax speaks the truth.

Drax and Star-Lord can't figure out what Mantis' antennae are for in "Guardians Vol. 2," so they place a bet. Drax wins if it turns out Mantis' antennae detect and steer her away from doorways that could decapitate her should she try to walk through them. Star-Lord bets that her antennae are for any other purpose. Star-Lord wins the bet, and Drax is devastated by the humiliating loss. 

But if it's not because of her antennae, then why isn't Mantis already dead, due to low doorway-related decapitation? This is never explained, and leaves a glaring plot hole in "Guardians Vol. 2." Way to fail your audience, James Gunn.

Ego seems like a super chill dude when he first introduces himself in "Guardians Vol. 2." To further ingratiate himself with the squad, Ego takes Star-Lord, Gamora, and Drax to his self-created planet, which he downplays. According to Ego, his planet is only about as big as the average moon. 

"Humility!" shouts Drax. "I like it! I, too, am extraordinarily humble." His cognitive dissonance provides an uncomplicated but utterly effective gag, metaphorically akin to an injection of calcium directly into our funny bones.

For some reason, Groot doesn't want Drax to see him dance. When Groot, in his youngest and twiggiest incarnation, dances during the mid-credits scene of the first "Guardians" movie, he freezes in place upon Drax's detection. This behavior continues during Baby Groot's joyful opening credits dance sequence in "Guardians Vol. 2." 

The precise explanation for Groot's hesitancy to let Drax see him dancing remains unknown. However, as Drax describes himself as the type of person who does not dance, Groot might be able to detect his distaste.

It's best not to cross Rocket Raccoon: He's gleefully violent and carries deadly projectile weapons with him at all times. But during a dispute with Star-Lord in "Guardians Vol. 2," Rocket takes a different tack and threatens to put something squishy in the half-human's pillow case. At first, Star-Lord assumes Rocket is referring to one of his own personal droppings. Rocket explains that he is, in fact, referring to a piece of fecal matter left over from the digestive process of Drax the Destroyer. "I have famously huge turds," announces Drax, with visible pride.  

It just goes to show that even heroes like Drax and Rocket can be absolutely disgusting. 

Not since 1995's "Mallrats," — which is, coincidentally, referenced in "Captain Marvel" (2019) — has a character in a major film so directly addressed an obvious question about the nether regions of a science fiction-based entity. 

In light of the revelation that Ego impregnated Star-Lord's mother, Drax asks the god-like being if he made himself a penis. It's a perfectly legitimate question, really: How could Ego make a half-human, half-Celestial baby without human equipment?

Star-Lord and Gamora, who are squares, freak out. Drax astutely observes, "You people have hang-ups." Ego resolves any lingering doubt by announcing that he does, in fact, have the necessary appendage.   

In comedy, timing is everything. A flying rock smacking Mantis in the head is not funny. However, Drax yelling, "Mantis! Look out!" immediately after the rock knocks her out is extremely funny. 

At this point in "Guardians Vol. 2," it's difficult to tell whether or not Drax genuinely wants to help Mantis. His reaction is either accidentally too late to be of any use, or he's being a jerk. Drax certainly considers Mantis his pal by this point in the story, but he's a jerk to his pals sometimes, so either explanation seems completely plausible. That ambiguity only adds to the comedy quotient.

Drax might be a psycho, but he's also a good friend. Well, actually, instead of "good," let's say he's a well-intentioned friend. In "Guardians Vol. 2," Drax informs Star-Lord that there are two kinds of people in the universe: Those who dance, and those who do not. Since Gamora belongs to the latter group, Drax doesn't think Star-Lord has a real shot with her.

"You just need to find a woman who is pathetic ... like you," he tells Star-Lord, seemingly oblivious to the brutally insulting implications of this advice. This bit doesn't quite land without Bautista's line reading, but trust us, it's funny as heck. 

After a heavily emotional conversation takes place between Star-Lord and Gamora in "Avengers: Infinity War," profound awkwardness ensues when it becomes apparent that Drax has been standing in the room with them the entire time.

Drax explains that he has "mastered the ability of standing so incredibly still that I become invisible to the eye." This is weird, considering he only tells Star-Lord this when Star-Lord notices him. Things get even more ridiculous when Mantis enters the room and exclaims, "Hi, Drax!" Finally, Drax understands that his supposed invisibility has been a delusion of his warped mind ... or that he must try harder next time he wants to become invisible.

By the time "Guardians Vol. 2" rolls around, Drax knows good and well that Star-Lord's got a thing for Gamora. So when Mantis reads Star-Lord's emotions, detects his love for Gamora, and announces it to the room, nobody's really surprised. Drax nevertheless cranks up the volume and plays his buddy's humiliation for laughs.  "She just told everyone your deepest, darkest secret!" Drax screams with delight. "You must be so embarrassed!"

Drax promptly asks Mantis to scan his emotions, and she discovers that Drax is having the time of his life ... but perhaps she didn't actually need superpowers to figure that out.

Drax is a muscular, violent, particularly resilient man-type creature. It's easy to assume he is impervious to pain, but at the onset of "Guardians Vol. 2," we learn this is not the case. 

Asked why he refuses to wear one of Rocket's jet packs, Drax confesses to the other Guardians that he has sensitive nipples. Why doesn't Rocket merely build a jet pack with straps that go under or around Drax's nipples? Well, who's to say. But given that we've seen Drax risk his life to save the galaxy on multiple occasions. should we really laugh at him for greater-than-average sensitivities in his chest area?

Darn skippy we should! Ha! 

Here it is at last, the funniest Drax-related event in the entire MCU: The follow-up to the original nipples gag in "Guardians Vol. 2." 

Drax has to gain elevation very quickly, so without warning, he's equipped with one of Rocket's jet packs. The straps buckle down across his nipples, and Drax proceeds to scream with an anguish that those of us with average nipple sensitivity will never understand. 

But he endures the suffering — both physical and emotional — to help his friends out of an apocalypse-level crisis. And if that doesn't make Drax an exemplary Guardian of the Galaxy, we don't know what would.