The Craziest Force Awakens Conspiracy Theories So Far

Star Wars: The Force Awakens is finally upon us, and while we don't yet know what happens in it, we're sure of one thing: it certainly can't be as bizarre as some of the conspiracy theories fans have come up with. They say that truth is stranger than fiction, but that clearly isn't the case, because nothing is stranger than this batch of nutso Force Awakens theories. The Force may be with us, but logic? Not so much.

Star Wars executive producer Kathleen Kennedy recently announced that there will definitely be no Jar Jar Binks anywhere in The Force Awakens. But is that just a ruse? Some people think so, because there's a rumor going around that the mysterious villain Supreme Leader Snoke is actually nobody's favorite Gungan. Evidence is thin, but it may be telling that Snoke is described as a hooded, snake-like figure, and is being portrayed by CGI-master Andy Serkis. Weesa aren't laughing at you any more, Jar Jar.

Exactly how this works is a bit beyond us, but one popular conspiracy theory is that Darth Vader is somehow still alive. Backing this up is the fact that Vader is clearly an inspiration for Kylo Ren and his gang of misfits; that Luke uses the present tense in his voiceover when he says his father "has" the force, not "had"; and that Anakin/Vader is kind of the main character in both trilogies, making it logical that he would play a similar role this time around. Just one problem: he's definitely dead. There was not only a body, but a ghost as well! It's over, you guys, just let it go already.

The Star Wars universe is rich in thematic elements like birth, death, rebirth, the relationships between fathers and sons, and brothers and sisters. But forget all that, because one theory posits that The Force Awakens is actually just about Luke's severed hand. Yes, apparently the film is going to center on what happened to the hand Luke got chopped off in Empire Strikes Back, with Rey and Finn going on an epic quest to reunite Luke with his doomed appendage after it falls out of the sky and lands near them. We... guess that's one way they could go with it?

Maybe the least likely of all these theories—which is really saying something—is this one, which posits that the Empire and the Rebel Alliance are going to have to stop their little civil war in order to fight off an invasion by aliens from another galaxy. If you've never heard of the creepy space orcs known as the Yuuzhan Vong, it's because they are from the Expanded Universe, which is now the Imploded Universe since Disney officially disavowed everything about it, rendering the Yuuzhan Vong out of canon. But don't let that stop you from dreaming, Expanded Universe fans! Your day will come! Even if that day is almost definitely not December 18.

The crazy theory that Darth Vader is actually alive in The Force Awakens got both more crazy and more awesome when a group of fans went off the deep end and began claiming that Vader is going to be played by Irish WWE star Sheamus. See, rumor has it that Sheamus apparently missed his regular appearance on a wrestling show in order to visit the set of The Force Awakens. Somehow, mass delusion set in and, before you know it, this snowballed into the idea that not only is he going to appear on screen in the film, he's actually playing Darth Vader. This is what happens when you take too many folding chairs to the back of the head, kids.

Nearly too dumb to be countenanced, this conspiracy theory posits that Han Solo's incredible luck in battle and skill as a pilot aren't luck or skill at all, but rather latent Jedi powers that he subconsciously uses to manipulate the Force in his favor. To which we say: no. Like, seriously, get out of here with that weak stuff. You might as well claim that vampires sparkle, that's how goofy this theory is. Next.

Proving that some people just will not give up, fans longing for the return of the very definitely dead Darth Vader have come up with yet another possible way that he can be in the film: as a clone. Yup, the theory is that mystery villain Kylo Ren is actually a clone of Vader, hence his desire to seek out artifacts like Vader's melted helmet, which feature prominently in the Force Awakens trailers. Plus, the whole "Jango Fett is the blueprint for all the Stormtroopers" thing from Attack of the Clones shows that Star Wars isn't above ruining something cool with a stupid clone storyline. But since Disney is in charge of things now, we certainly hope cooler heads will prevail and leave this one where it should be: internet message boards.

We're not sure what group of complete lunatics came up with this theory, but frankly, we love it. The theory here is that C-3PO is actually just a robotic shell hosting the Force-ghost of a dead Sith Lord who manipulated the midichlorians to impregnate Shmi Skywalker and thus bear his heir. Of all the Force Awakens theories we've heard, this one is definitely the most likely to be true. Bank on it!