Would You Survive John Carpenter's Halloween Based On Your Zodiac Sign?

We all like to think that we'd survive a slasher movie. Those foolish babysitters and horny teens were easy pickings, but you would do things differently, right? Right? You'd keep your wits about you. You wouldn't split up from your fellow survivors. You wouldn't say doom-courting things like "who's there?"

In the end, unless you've actually been stalked by a supernaturally un-killable slasher villain, it's impossible to know how you'd actually react. Maybe you would fall apart into an inconsolable puddle of tears. Or maybe you would rise to the occasion and live to see another day. Luckily, the vast majority of us will never have to face a towering, knife-wielding force like Michael Myers, the main villain of the "Halloween" franchise. But in the interest of speculation, maybe there is a way of knowing whether or not you'd survive a classic slasher scenario, like that seen in John Carpenter's genre-defining 1978 horror film: the zodiac! 

Slasher films are full of archetypes, from brazen jocks to level-headed final girls. And given that the zodiac is itself a codified list of personality archetypes, pairing the two together seems like a match made in speculative heaven. Curious to see if your zodiac sign is primed to survive Halloween night and evade the blade of Michael Myers? Then read on, for our assessment of which astrological signs would, and would not, survive Carpenter's "Halloween."

Aries, we hate to break it to you, but unfortunately, you wind up on the wrong end of Michael Myers' kitchen knife. That's right, when Michael comes home to Haddonfield, you wasted no time launching yourself straight into the line of fire. Represented by the ram, Aries are all about barrelling head-first into life's challenges, usually without anything resembling a plan or a safety net. Your lack of filter and brazen overconfidence isn't the best strategy when it comes to flying under the radar of a masked maniac. And let's be honest, given Aries' short attention span, do you really see yourself hiding quietly in a closet?

At their core, those born between March 21 and April 19 do what they want and do things their own way. Highly competitive, it's totally plausible that you, dear Aries, would attempt (and fail) to take Michael Myers on yourself. Aries are driven by an insatiable desire to prove themselves and their strength. And unfortunately, that bold approach also comes with impulsivity, impatience, and a hotheaded demeanor that cold, calculating Michael Myers would certainly exploit. Your spontaneous and courageous qualities are admirable. But thinking you could take on an unstoppable killer requires a certain amount of tact, subtlety, and planning, all of which are absolutely not in an Aries' wheelhouse.

John Carpenter's "Halloween" is often dubbed a slasher. Which it absolutely is. But its family resemblance to the home invasion horror genre is less discussed (probably because Michael Myers is more about homes invasion). For a Taurus, this is an absolute nightmare. Why? Well, for those born between April 20 and May 20, home is where the heart is. And with a masked maniac stomping around the suburbs, the thing the humble Taurus values most of all (a safe, cozy, restorative home) is in jeopardy.

However, we believe that Tauruses being homebodies is a good thing and that their predictable love of staying home will save their hide. Will they be out and about on October 31, catching the stab-happy attention of one Michael Myers? Absolutely not. No, Taurus is maybe leaving the house to pick up some cheeseboard supplies. And then they're retreating into their blanket cocoon to marathon scary movies. To catch a glimpse of a Taurus on October 31, Michael Myers would have to stalk his way to the expensive cheese section. Taurus isn't on Myers' radar, and he isn't on Taurus'. 

Taurus is a stubborn sign (bullheaded, as it were) that craves stability. They are an oasis of calm and a pillar of dependability. Their Halloween traditions are consistent, and they will be doing what they do every year — creating cozy vibes, ignoring Halloween party invitations, and experimenting with $30 truffle-infused gouda.

Gemini, it pains us to say this, but you and your loud mouth are absolutely going to get you killed. Haven't you seen a horror movie? Don't you know that trying to reason with the sinisterly silent, masked killer is a fool's errand? Bless you for trying to make friends with the enemy, but this is one stranger that's going to be completely immune from your charms.

Individuals born between May 21 and June 21 are infamously charismatic and quick-witted, with an unreserved curiosity and excitement for learning anything and everything about the world. But Gemini, listen: Your uncanny ability to size up a person's character is incredible. And you are a great communicator. But you're not going to be able to make friends with Michael Myers. He's a loose un-killable cannon that's returned to Haddonfield to terrorize local teen girls, and no amount of charm or banter is going to dissuade him of his great and terrible purpose.

And even if you, dear Gemini, tried to hide from your masked assailant (a great choice), could you stay quiet? Or would you talk to yourself? Be honest. Your mind is like an endless race track — are you really going to be able to sit still for that long, even if your life depended on it? Probably not.

Sweet, sweet Cancer. There is absolutely no way that you get to see the sunrise on November 1. You will react to the presence of Michael Myers with the emotional fortitude of a wet tissue. Cancers are incredibly sensitive souls, frequently weighed down by their own emotional baggage and the emotional baggage of those around them. They don't just wear their emotions on their sleeve; their emotional state is like a raw nerve. If your own fear and panic doesn't overwhelm you, the terrified vibes of your fellow co-survivors might. Or hey, maybe you'll pick up on Michael's own trauma and grudges.

Those born between June 22 and July 22 feel things very, very deeply. They're like a tuning fork that can vibrate at the slightest breeze. There's no way that a sudden terrifying murder spree doesn't leave a Cancer in a puddle of tears. And if your eyes are puffy, it's hard to keep your head in the "don't get murdered" game. Can you rally your survival skills while you're blowing snot bubbles and ugly crying? Probably not.

The fact that Cancers don't like surprises isn't liable to improve your odds, what with Michael popping out from behind bushes, bursting into closets, and popping out from the backseat of cars. Cancers like stability and routine, not hulking masked killers sending their heart rates through the roof.

Leos, don't take this the wrong way, but you are basically the jocks of the zodiac. You're the prom king and star quarterback of the astrological high school, as it were. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. You have an enormous personality, you want to stand out, and you radiate warmth. But ask yourself this: How do jocks fare in horror movies?

The answer, as any slasher fan will tell you, is "not great!" See, jocks are easy cannon fodder for knife-wielding baddies. Their confidence and narcissism (typical Leo traits) are basically a bat signal for boogeymen. Their demise is an effective, if blunt, show of force that even the captain of the football team is no match for this jumpsuit-sporting ghoul. Leos like to feel important, and single-handedly defeating a masked menace may seem like a surefire show of dominance. But Michael Myers doesn't care about heroics, however well-intentioned.

Pride is the most prominent sin of those born between July 23 and August 22. And we can totally imagine an arrogant Leo charging at Myers, guns blazing, only to wind up on the pointy end of the killer's knife. Overconfidence is a death sentence in the slasher genre. And unfortunately for Leo, ruled by ambition and an unrelenting sense of honor, Myers has the upper hand here.

Virgo, we have incredible news: Not only do you survive Halloween night in Haddonfield, you are the final girl of the zodiac! Out of all the signs, you have the most in common with Laurie Strode, the film's protagonist and one of the few people to survive Michael Myers' wrath. Like Laurie, Virgos are intelligent and introverted, liable to panic about forgotten textbooks and stay in on Halloween babysitting rather than making out with boys. Virgos are notoriously self-contained and private, much like Laurie, who tends to keep to herself and her small circle. Like Laurie, Virgos are very modest people while internally striving for perfection.

And, just like Laurie, Virgos are incredibly resourceful, and they easily find a quick fix for everything. They are judgmental to a fault, and we have to assume that judgment extends to an ability to judge, say, whether or not the coast is clear before bolting away from the homicidal maniac. Virgos also boast exceptional spatial awareness (usually used for identifying when someone has touched their toothbrush or put a coffee cup in the teacup cupboard). And being vigilant is a must for evading Michael's slashing blade. Those born between August 23 and September 22 stand an excellent chance of coming out the other end of Michael Myers' massacre. They're level-headed, capable, and have a whole lot in common with Haddonfield's own Laurie Strode.

Libra, listen — we want the best for you. You're one of the most likable and affable signs in the zodiac, and your even-handed temperament is something your peers could take notes from. Unfortunately, a lot of what makes you a reliable friend and a genuinely good person is what's going to get you killed by the malevolent maniac known as Michael Myers.

There's a very good chance, dear Libra, that your diplomatic bent would go one of two ways. Either your talent for conflict avoidance and keen ability to see every side of a dispute would lead you to attempt to befriend Michael Myers (which, and we cannot stress this enough, is not going to work). Or, and this is slightly more likely, your obsession with embodying the idea of "goodness" would make you attempt heroics that your hesitant, indecisive demeanor absolutely couldn't cash.

Those born between September 23 and October 23 desperately want to be seen as responsible community members who can figure out how to find balance in the turbulent elements around them. The problem is that an unstoppable, logic-defying killing machine like Michael Myers is a knife-wielding wrench in your finely oiled machine. He can't be reasoned with, and we're sorry to say that spells your doom.

Alright, Scorpio, let's start with the good news. You absolutely, without a doubt, would survive John Carpenter's "Halloween." Now for the bad news: The reason you survive is that you are Michael Myers. That's right, it's been you behind the ghoulish Captain Kirk mask this whole time. Though given your enigmatic and hard-to-read personality, maybe this shouldn't have been a surprise. 

Those born between October 24 and November 21 give off powerful and unknowable vibes to all they come into contact with, fiercely guarding their inner lives behind a figurative (and, in this case, literal) mask. Silent, determined, and intense, you spend much of Halloween night in Haddonfield slashing your way through babysitters, all while maintaining your quintessential Scorpio air of mystery. Your stoic demeanor strikes fear into the heart of the suburbs. We hope you're proud of yourselves. 

Because you are absolutely relentless, Scorpio, you refuse to stay down, let alone stay dead. It's the fault of law enforcement for turning their backs on you, assuming you'd shuffled off this mortal coil. As if you'd go down that easily. 

Sagittarius, good work! You make it through the night to taste the cool, crisp air of November 1. The sign of the warrior poet is a die-hard empiricist, and your ability to see things objectively means that even in non-murder-y circumstances, you move around with ease on an unbounded quest to accommodate your ever-changing circumstances. And when there's a knife-wielding killer on the loose, you best believe the circumstances are going to be in flux! Staying vigilant and on the move is a surefire way to give Michael Myers the slip.

Sagittarius is an explorer — a fearless adventurer who knows when risks are worth taking. While your relentless drive for freedom can make it hard for you to focus in your day-to-day, your unstoppable desire to keep moving, stay alive, and stay optimistic will save your skin in this survival scenario. Those born between November 22 and December 21 are insatiably restless and don't believe in playing it safe. While Michael Myers is stalking door-to-door, a Sagittarius is flitting like an energized pinball. And last time we checked, Michael Myers doesn't run. There's no way he could keep pace with you.

Good news, Capricorn! You absolutely make it through the night of John Carpenter's "Halloween." This is, at least in part, because you are basically already a slasher villain. Don't take that the wrong way. There's nothing wrong with being disciplined and pragmatic. And your laser focus and ability to get stuff done is absolutely admirable, if a little intimidating. You are responsible, motivated by duty, and are capable of suppressing any and all emotions that get in the way of success.

Those born between December 22 and January 19 are not interested in being the center of attention. Being the big, day-saving hero is not on your list of things to do when it comes to evading a slasher villain. Instead, you're likely to beat Michael Myers at his own game — with steadfast determination and an unstoppable "can-do" attitude. What happens when an unstoppable force like Michael Myers meets an immovable object like a Capricorn? A stalemate.

When it comes to practical concerns, people underestimate you, Aquarius. And by "practical concerns," we of course mean outsmarting a supernaturally un-killable, towering, knife-sporting killer. Those born between January 20 and February 18 have a reputation for being intentionally esoteric and conceptual. They think big and enjoy cultivating a "weird" contrarian persona. They're heady utopians, not hardened survivalists. So how do they survive, you ask?

Aquarians are superstars when it comes to thinking outside the box. They're forward-thinking and willing to be different in order to get stuff done. Maybe that means dressing up as young Michael Myers to throw the villain off his game (if it worked for little Tommy in "Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter," why not for you?). Maybe the imaginative Aquarian will climb onto the roof at the first sign of danger and fire off a flare. Who's to say? Michael Myers is proficient at mowing down screaming high schoolers. But is he prepared for the unpredictable wiles of an Aquarius? We think not.

Oh, Pisces. The good news is we're pretty sure you're not going to suffer. And in a slasher film, sometimes that's better than the alternative. Your head is always the clouds, and we expect that Michael Myers will happen upon you in your natural state, which is to say daydreaming (maybe having your own private silent disco or experimenting with seaweed macrame). Those born between February 19 and March 20 are prone to fantasy and dreaminess. They're big romantics who forget to lock their front doors because they're too preoccupied with untangling the mysteries of their own subconscious.

A Pisces just wants to sublimate into the ether of the universe. They're woefully detached from the external world. And it's unlikely that they would even hear Michael Myers' heavy breathing as he snuck up behind their love seat to plunge a kitchen knife between their shoulder blades. Sorry, Pisces, you're a lover, not a fighter.