The What We Do In The Shadows Character You Are Based On Your Zodiac Sign

If a person were to live forever, it's likely they'd develop a quirkier-than-average personality. Take the Staten Island vampires of "What We Do in the Shadows": Nandor the Relentless (Kayvan Novak), Laszlo Cravensworth (Matt Berry), Nadja (Natasia Demetriou), Colin Robinson (Mark Proksch), and Nandor's familiar, Guillermo de la Cruz (Harvey Guillén). These roommates might be ancient, but they're still fools — and beyond that, simply bizarre. Despite his relative youth, Guillermo's basic survival and decision-making skills far exceed those of his ostensible master and ageless companions. Is this because Guillermo is smarter in the conventional sense, or is it because these blood-suckers' brains have been stretched hundreds of years beyond their natural breaking points? It's anyone's guess.

The looniness doesn't end there. Consider Nandor, who was once a merciless warlord, but has since mellowed into a gentle, awkward soul. He's still a mass murderer, of course — he's just a little more sensitive than he was when he was killing even more people. Meanwhile, Nadja has seen reincarnations of her one true love decapitated dozens of times throughout the centuries. Who wouldn't end up a little loopy after such a journey? We don't judge — but we do want to understand. And what better way to examine these deranged, unending personalities than sorting them by zodiac sign? We're here to reveal every "What We Do in the Shadows" characters' astrological sign — and which one you match up with.

Those who fall under the sign of Aries tend to position themselves as social and cultural leaders. Obviously, it requires the instincts of a leader to demand the subjugation and enslavement of the human race. The trio at the center of "What We Do in the Shadows" initially came to the U.S. under orders from alpha-Aries Baron Afanas (Doug Jones) to conquer what was then known as the "New World" and kick off a blood-soaked epoch ruled by vampires. But Nandor, Nadja, and Laszlo weren't sure if they were supposed to take over New York, Long Island, or the entire continent, and ultimately got too lazy and distracted to conquer much of anything at all. However, what's important for our purposes is how the original command reflects the Baron's personality.

In the Season 1 episode "Baron's Night Out," we learn, in true Aries fashion, that the Baron doesn't mind being the first of his friend group to get devastatingly trashed during a bar crawl. The Baron is a leader in domination and a leader in getting totally crunk. But Aries may also struggle when it comes to follow-through. This absolutely applies to the Baron, as he is considered dead for the majority of the series thus far. We don't mean dead in the way all vampires are technically dead — we mean burnt to a crisp by sunlight and buried in the backyard. 

Taurus is renowned for their greater-than-average appreciation of the physical world. In theory, this keenness for all things tangible can take the form of hedonistic tendencies, as it clearly does for Laszlo. A Taurus might also display their astrological disposition by building things — or "working with their hands," as the old saying goes. 

Laszlo expresses his fixation on carnal matters in plenty of ways throughout the series, from planning the orgy that ultimately goes haywire in Season 1 to his preoccupation with a library of ancient pornography in Season 3. Then again, a fixation on sex doesn't necessarily set him apart from a typical vampire. His real Taurus flex is in the meticulously crafted topiary sculptures of private parts kept in the backyard. 

While not a philistine by any means, it's not unlike Laszlo to value practical, tangible matters over the immaterial or abstract. Without giving away too much from the finale of Season 3, we can comfortably state that Laszlo chooses to remain where he's physically needed, rather than where his heart might prefer he end up. Plus, Laszlo has also been known to hide from creditors in the guise of a human volleyball coach. Is there anything more tactile and hands-on than volleyball? Of course there isn't. Get serious.   

Gemini people are noted for their intellectual adventurousness, loquaciousness, and adaptability. Jenna (Beanie Feldstein) only appears in a few "What We Do in the Shadows" episodes, but during that time she goes from an innocent LARPer to a bi-curious college student to a merciless and undead night stalker. Arguably, LARPing alone demonstrates enough enthusiasm for new and strange ideas to quality her as a Gemini. But even if it weren't, the social experimentation and newfound vampirism would definitely put Jenna's Gemini bona fides over the top.    

While Jenna comes across as shy during her first handful of scenes, she loosens up during her initial hang-out with Nadja. It could be the case that Jenna's plenty talkative when her self-confidence hasn't been freshly undermined by misogynistic LARPing bros, making her a stealth Gemini. Also, at one point, Jenna eats a singer from a ska band. What's more culturally curious than a combination of late '70s U.K. punk rock and reggae? Ska is definitely a Gemini genre of music. 

Cancer folks are marked by their greater-than-average appreciation of tradition and sentimentality. Nandor, whose fashion sensibilities haven't meaningfully changed since the early days of the Ottoman Empire, definitely qualifies. While Nadja and Laszlo's attire also contains some old school flavor, Nandor's school happens to be significantly older than either of them. Sure, Nandor latches onto trends now and again, but he always goes back to dressing like a piece from a fancy antique chess set, even going so far as to squeeze back into a suit of armor for a few hours in Season 3's "The Wellness Center." 

Cancer's emotionality can manifest as stubbornness and distance. Nandor's toxic masculinity — leftover from his pillaging and plundering days — acts this way, preventing him from expressing his nurturing tendencies towards Guillermo as frequently as he might begrudgingly admit he'd prefer. When Guillermo leaves in Season 2's "Collaboration" to act as a familiar for a different vampire, Nandor is clearly distraught, despite his feeble attempt at stoic posturing. Guillermo comes back, of course, and Nandor looks like he's finally ready to turn his longtime familiar into a vampire by the end of Season 3. One wonders, though, if Nandor kicks the can of turning Guillermo down the road so long because he doesn't want their relationship to change. Is Nandor, a moody Cancer, just as sentimental about his friendship with Guillermo as he is about the 1300s?

It's been said that Leos have a special ability — or perhaps compulsion — to occupy the limelight. Arguably, Nandor, Laszlo, and Nadja all enjoy being the center of attention to a degree that's counterproductive for creatures whose survival depends on staying under the radar. However, the one-time kingpin of the Manhattan vampires, Simon the Devious (Nick Kroll), is an even bigger primadonna than those central vamps.

During the final party thrown in his nightclub before it explodes, Simon shows off his powers by firing a flaming arrow across a crowded dance floor, then catching it himself through teleportation. Later, he rudely plays up Nadja's purely hypothetical attraction to him in front of Laszlo. After that, Simon reminds everyone within earshot that he's surrounded by an entourage of roughly 20 vampires, and takes a considerable amount of time to introduce each individually. Most embarrassingly, Simon clearly can't handle the fact that Laszlo has an awesome-looking and totally-not-cursed hat made of witch skin. 

We certainly don't mean to imply all Leos are vain and insecure, but like all signs of the zodiac, there are positive forms of Leo-like behavior and, uh, not-so-positive forms of Leo-like behavior. Simon's constant hotdogging fits the latter category. 

Virgo is known for their logical and detail-oriented disposition. By definition, the supernatural world of vampires leans pretty hard towards irrationality. Nevertheless, the Guide (Kristen Schaal) keeps her focus on practical and specific matters.  

A servant and advisor for the Vampiric Council, the Guide starts out as a Season 1 antagonist, summoning the show's central vampires to their murder trial and likely execution. After a truly wild sequence of events leads Nandor, Nadja, and Laszlo to take over the Vampiric Council themselves, the Guide does not complain. She dispassionately states the issue is "above her pay grade" and carries on in her established advisory role. A calm, collected Virgo can roll with these sorts of punches.

Soon after, the Guide applies her well-honed logic and wisdom to convince the gang that there can be only one supreme leader of the Vampiric Council, and they're going to have to decide among themselves who it is. The Guide also knows how to use a garage door opener and make a website. This indicates a capacity for mechanical thinking the other vampires severely lack.

Libra has an excellent reputation for companionship. These are the folks you want as romantic partners, friends, coworkers, neighbors, teammates, and in any other capacity that requires mutual cooperation. Needless to say, they'd be terrific familiars. Arguably, Guillermo is so good at being a familiar, it indefinitely delays his transformation into a full-blown vampire. 

In Season 1, Nandor gives another vampire a half-hearted go-ahead to eat Guillermo at Simon the Devious' nightclub. To make up for this cruel ambivalence, Nandor takes Guillermo for a simulated flying session, only to accidentally drop him from several stories up and injure him terribly. On the 10-year anniversary of Guillermo becoming Nandor's familiar — and in one of the funniest moments from "What We Do in the Shadows" — Nandor gives him a glitter portrait of the two of them.  Granted, it's a very nice glitter portrait, but it's obviously not what Guillermo is hoping for, which is to be transformed into an unholy apex predator.  

But Guillermo doesn't ever open the curtain and let the daylight incinerate Nandor, even when it's in his Van Helsing DNA to do so. This is because Guillermo is a Libra, and a Libra sticks by his master, no matter what. Guillermo's Libran loyalty also makes him a superb bodyguard and vampire hunter, which comes in handy: Nandor and the gang are remarkably unpopular with other vampires. 

Scorpios exhibit intellectualism, passion, and an eagerness to learn. However, Scorpios sometimes use their intrinsic interest in what makes other people tick to manipulate the living daylights out of them. Colin Robinson is an energy vampire whose entire existence is predicated on figuring out how to emotionally and mentally drain people by talking at them. No offense to Scorpios, but this guy is definitely one of yours.

Colin Robinson talks endlessly about the most banal, boring topics possible. Unprompted, he offers excesses of information about his gastrointestinal status for the sole purpose of making people around him feel uncomfortable. His cringe-worthy, cornball jokes are not to be believed. And hey, did you know Colin Robinson is the only pasty, middle-aged amateur belly dancer in the state of New York? Get ready to hear about it! He's absolutely insufferable, and it's completely on purpose. 

It follows that Colin Robinson is the only member of the "What We Do in the Shadows" crew who has experienced any professional success — his office promotes him to a management position in the appropriately titled Season 2 episode, "Colin's Promotion." Scorpios have the canny cleverness needed to move up the ladder, by whatever means necessary. Said means don't usually look like the ones Colin employs, of course, but hey — they're concerned with what works.

Sagittarians are travelers and seekers of truth, which might not seem super useful for our purposes. Vampires all tend to do more than their fair share of traveling — that's what happens when you have literally infinite time on your hands. However, Sagittarians' quest for clarity can also lead to a lack of diplomacy when it comes to uncomfortable ideas. Nadja is certainly not known for mincing words. 

This sign's journey towards understanding often transfers to the spiritual realm. When ghosts arrive in the Staten Island homestead, Nadja is the only roommate who instinctively and accurately understands that ghosts exist and takes the séance seriously. Some might say Nadja also indulges in romantic traveling every now and again. She and Laszlo probably have roughly the same amount of extramarital sex, but Nadja tends to develop more crushes, forming varying degrees of attachments to Gregor and Topher (Haley Joel Osment), her one-time familiar. What looks like wandering eyes could simply be a predisposition for emotional generosity, which would also indicate strong Sagittarius energy. 

Capricorns are associated with a strong work ethic and dedication to long-term goals. This describes none of the vampires, but does fit Guillermo. However, Guillermo has only been hanging onto Nandor's promise of vampiric conversion for a little more than 10 years. Gregor – who, in his most recent life, was known as Jeff Suckler (Jake McDorman) — has been fighting for Nadja's love for several lifetimes. Furthermore, he continues his pursuit despite the near-certain possibility of decapitation at Laszlo's hands. 

Just how dedicated is this dauntless Capricorn? Well, at one point, Gregor makes a dangerous escape from a mental institution, kills at least one innocent orderly, steals a car, and survives a car crash, all so he can track down Nadja after she accidentally calls out to him telepathically. That's what we call focus. In addition to this, when Nadja first stumbles upon Jeff by chance, he's working as a night watchman. That means he's one of the relatively few characters on "What We Do in the Shadows" with legitimate employment — a testament to his Capricorn-ish practicality.

Aquarians enjoy trafficking in high-minded concepts like justice, humanitarianism, and wellness. Jan (Cree Summer), leader of the Wellness Center, doesn't provide the most positive examples of Aquarian behavior, but she nevertheless checks off many of the sign's major boxes. Her performative attempts to solve very large problems take the form of a messiah complex, and she leads a rich inner life that, unfortunately, does not reflect her words and actions in the exterior world.   

Obviously, Jan's vampire wellness program is a complete and absolute grift. No amount of cardio, yoga, brightly colored exercise outfits, meditation, sing-alongs to "One Week" by Barenaked Ladies, correctly filling out tax forms, or pretending to eat solid food can turn a vampire back into a human. You can yank those fangs out if you want, but they just grow back the next night. Of course, Aquarians are also known for their originality and independent thinking. The Wellness Center might be bunk, but it certainly doesn't look like any other vampire cult we've seen before. Jan is evil, but she's also original as all heck. 

Pisces folks are known for their eclecticism and their affinity for immaterial matters. The latter trait can take numerous different forms: spiritualism, creativity, and obsession with comic book superheroes, to cite just a few examples. Nadja's ghost, who remains in the terrestrial world by inhabiting a child's doll, is literally immaterial, ergo, she gets a big advantage in the competition for the most likely Pisces of "What We Do in the Shadows." As for the eclecticism, Nadja's ghost is a straight-up supernatural presence residing in an inanimate object. You don't get more eclectic than that.

Upon her reemergence in the material plane, Nadja's ghost scolds the vampiric Nadja for neglecting to broaden her artistic horizons during her basically infinite free time. Choosing to sit around the house and listen to Laszlo and Nandor, she notes, is a tragic waste. This incident, plus Nadja's ghost's enthusiasm for wearing more than one hat, strongly indicates a multifaceted and therefore Piscean temperament.